If you’re looking for something to fight about at Thanksgiving Dinner other than politics, go with the classics.
Collect a cover charge at the door from guests who don’t bring a dish. Don’t be gauche. Use a Square.
Also, ask to borrow money from someone you’ve already borrowed from and have yet to pay back. Do not acknowledge or mention the previous monies owed.
If someone has gained weight since last year, be sure to mention it as dinner is being served. If someone has lost weight and looks great, say nothing.
If someone is single, ask when they’re getting married. If someone is married, act shocked that it’s lasted this long. If they’re divorced, ask lots of questions about their ex and be sure to mention how much you like and miss them. Wonder aloud if they should have been invited.
Instead of the oldest member of the family, suggest that the youngest carve the turkey, or ask The Vegetarian to do it. (Every family has one.)
If all else fails, go on ahead and argue about politics. And really do it. Get loud and go for broke. Talk about somebody’s mama, even if you both have the same one. Let it descend into chaos, an all-out food fight. And when it’s over say, “I guess we’ll all have to pitch in now and clean this up ourselves since they’re planning to deport the person who usually does it.”
By popular demand, here are two more things you can fight about at Thanksgiving today instead of politics:
When it's time to say grace, turn it into a religious filibuster. Just keep talking. Include lengthy prayers from any and all religions except the one your family follows. If you're an atheist, be sure to transition with: "Ooh, here's another funny one." You'll know you've done well when someone has to reheat the gravy.
If you're gay, turn the tables and out a heterosexual family member for being straight. Openly mock their chosen lifestyle. Mention there was always something different about them and that you'll pray for them.
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