Ukraine. Quid pro quo. Impeachment. And now the holidays with people you can't believe you're related to. (Deep breath. In through the nose and out through the mouth.) If you’re looking for something to fight about at Thanksgiving Dinner, other than politics, here's my annual go-to list of six! Please read, laugh, and share!
Collect a cover charge at the door from guests who don't bring a dish. Make it easy. Use a Square or the Cash App. Also, ask to borrow money from someone you’ve already borrowed from and have yet to pay back. Do not acknowledge or mention the previous monies owed.
If someone has gained weight since last year, be sure to mention it as dinner is being served. If someone has lost weight and looks great, say nothing.
If someone is single, ask when they’re getting married. If someone is married, act shocked that it’s lasted this long. If they’re divorced, ask lots of questions about their ex and be sure to mention how much you like and miss them. Wonder aloud if they should have been invited.
SEX & GENDER
If you're gay, turn the tables and out a heterosexual family member for being straight. Openly mock their chosen lifestyle. Mention there was always something different about them and that you'll pray for them. For bonus points: question the turkey's gender identity.
When it's time to say grace, turn it into a religious filibuster. Just keep talking. Include lengthy prayers from any and all religions except the one your family follows. If you're an atheist, be sure to transition with: "Ooh, here's another funny one." You'll know you've done well when someone has to reheat the gravy.
Instead of the oldest member of the family, suggest that the youngest carve the turkey, no matter their age. What’s more exciting than a knife-wielding toddler? Or, ask The Vegetarian to carve the turkey. Every family has at least one vegetable extremist. They’re usually the one skulking and sulking around the salad.
If all else fails, go on ahead and argue about politics. And really do it. Get loud and go for broke. Talk about somebody’s mama, even if you both have the same one. Let it descend into chaos, an all-out food fight. And when it’s over, come together as a family and help clean up since the person who’d normally do it has probably been deported.
P.S. This list is good for Christmas too!
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