Why Do I Have an Abacus?

11/8/2020

As I’m cleaning out my parent’s things, I’m also looking at my belongings with fresh eyes. I’m trying to figure out why I have something, what purpose it serves, and if I still need it.

To that end, why do I have an abacus? A what? An abacus. It’s been tucked away in an desk drawer for ages. I’m not really sure, but I probably got it from my dad or my uncle when I was a teenager. I don’t know how to use it. I have no interest in learning how.

When I posted a picture of my abacus on Facebook, I got some really great responses.

Some people suggested I head out to Nevada and help with the vote count.

Some people were not surprised in the least. “Well of course Leighann has an abacus.” I’m not really sure how to take that.
Do people think I’m part of some underground math league and Steve Kornacki (the MSNBC math guy) is our leader? (Wow, now that I type that out, it sounds totally plausible.)

A couple of folks suggested that I keep my abacus because when it all ends in tears, and all the electronics fail, and the Internet goes down forever, I’m gonna need an abacus.

Really? Really y’all?

Let me tell you something: when the zombie apocalypse happens — and would a zombie apocalypse just be the icing on this 2020 cake or a refreshing change? Like: Finally! The zombies showed up!

But I digress. The Zombie Apocalypse. If I run out of fingers counting zombies that means there’s too many zombies. And I’m not gonna be thinking: “Dammit! Where’s my abacus?” I can just picture it: “Click, click, click. Chomp, Chomp, Chomp.” Do you see how that doesn’t really work out for me?

Now, not only do I have an abacus. I have two calculators. Why do I have two calculators? Because I have two parents. And apparently their marriage vows did not include sharing one calculator. They each had to have their own. And so now I have two. Bonus: neither one of them works. So, I guess it’s a good thing I have an abacus.

BONUS: WATCH THE VIDEO

0 Comments

Author

Leighann Lord is a veteran stand-up comedian, author, and podcaster.

She has written several humor books including: Dict Jokes: Alternate Definitions for Words You’ve Probably Never Heard of But Will Definitely Never Forget and Real Women Do It Standing Up: Stories From the Career of a Very Funny Lady, which has been called “Witty and unexpectedly vulnerable.” Both titles and more are available on Amazon.

Leighann was the creator of the weekly humor column, The Urban Erma, which was the longest running column in Stage Time Magazine. She has contributed to The Huffington Post and wrote for the pilot of The Chris Rock Show. She is the creator and host of the People with Parents podcast, where she shares personal stories about the role reversal between adult children and their aging parents.

Leighann earned her BA degree in Journalism and Creative Writing from Baruch College, City University of New York, her honorary PhD in Interdisciplinary Studies from Southhampton University, and is a member of the Writer’s Guild of America, East. In 2019 she received the Humanist Arts Award from the American Humanist Association.

Leighann is also a firm supporter of the Oxford Comma.