My uterus seems intent on making things.
It grew a bunch of fibroids which I had removed and a recent sonogram revealed two polyps. We, my doctors and I, decided to remove them with an out-patient procedure called a D&C: dilation and curettage.
At home the night before I had to vaginally insert four pills to relax my cervix. I usually just have a glass of wine, but ok.
I don’t know what I did or when I did it but my back has been hurting (twinging in one spot) for two days. I’m pretty sure I’m dying.
It was enough to make me go looking for my ThermaCare heat wraps only to find that I’m all out. I had to go old-school and dig out my old plug-in heating pad that has been in my family for generations passed down from the days of oww.
The New Year always feels like it’s supposed to be a fresh start: The first day of the first month of the New Year. In the words of Admiral Ackbar (Star Wars) “It’s a trap!”
So, I try things. That’s what I do. I tried acting, standup, writing blogs, writing books, producing podcasts, all manner of social media, and cat ownership.
Then the pandemic happened.
You start out at the kids’ table and then at some point you get promoted to the grown-ups’ table.
One year you're sitting in the back seat while your parents drive to Grandma's house; the next, you're driving yourself so you can dip out after dessert to go meet up with friends.
About My Avery Brooks Collector's Plate
I’m a big Star Trek Fan and Captain Benjamin Sisko from Star Trek Deep Space Nine is one of my favorite characters. I love that his name sounds like a drink you could order at the bar: “I’d like a Captain Sisko on the rocks, please.”
And just so we’re clear: If Avery Brooks – the actor who played Sisko – ever called and invited me out for say a raktajino (Klingon coffee), I’d say: “Aye Aye, Captain. See you at Quarks. [STAGE WHISPER] Wear the uniform.”
As I’m cleaning out my parent’s things, I’m also looking at my belongings with fresh eyes. I’m trying to figure out why I have something, what purpose it serves, and if I still need it.
To that end, why do I have an abacus? A what? An abacus. It’s been tucked away in an desk drawer for ages. I’m not really sure, but I probably got it from my dad or my uncle when I was a teenager. I don’t know how to use it. I have no interest in learning how.
When I posted a picture of my abacus on Facebook, I got some really great responses.
That’s a thing and it basically means I can go from zero to catastrophe in under 10 seconds. I can find the worst in any situation. I can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I’m #TeamHennyPenny. (Hey, Haters: It’s 2020 and the sky really is falling. I warned you.) And yes, this is a terrible way to live for the people who live with people like me. I’m aware of this tendency and I’ve been working on it. But here’s what it looks like in action.
It’s a second date and it’s not going well.
Despite attempts to engage in conversation, My Date interrupts me, several times, to tell me how much he likes me and likes hearing the sound of my voice. Ironic. When he’s not doing that, he’s asking me questions that have already been asked and answered.
He calls me, baby. Then asks if that makes me uncomfortable. For the third time — twice on the phone, once in person — I say yes, it does. I take intentional terms of endearment seriously. They are earned and exchanged over time. We’re not there yet. He continues doing it as if to convince me we are something we are not. It’s the second date.
So, My Therapist (and I do have one now) recommended the movie, Elizabethtown, she thought I’d resonate with the main character played by Orlando Bloom. I did not. And I learned that while she’s a cool person, we do not share the same taste in movies.
What struck me more was the screening I attended for Frozen 2, out this weekend. I’m not all-in on the Frozen franchise, but the theme and song that stuck with me was, “Do the next right thing.”
Leighann Lord is a veteran stand-up comedian, author, and podcaster.